I miss me so much.

Headlines change from day to day, but where you shop … not so much.

As much as I’d like to believe people will stand by their beliefs I think that the lure of Woolworths food and Country Road would ultimately win.

The true religion of our generation, at least for most, is consumerism.

It only makes sense to those who’ve never been on holiday.

Because* it’s the less try-hard relative of BOOM and it’s drenched in old-school magic.

As if I need a reason.

Just so we’re clear, before I launch into this diatribe, I like to buy stuff. It makes me happy.

I want to date a business. I know that might sound like a fetish, it’s not.

Businesses woo me all the time. Great marketing material, really fantastic sales pitches followed by a great product demo and the promise of a lasting and fulfilling relationship. So very Hollywood – boy meets girl, boy woos girl, boy gets girl, boy and girl live happily ever after.

It’s that happily ever after that I’m interested in. I want that relationship! Like I said I want to date a business. But I now know that wooing is the easy bit. Sure it costs money but it’s easy to get me to buy into the promise of a picture-book relationship. It’s only when I’m in that relationship that I realise, in most cases, it was all smoke and mirrors. More often than not I end up feeling like I’ve been put in a back room while the business I’m dating is out pursuing hotter prospects. It’s not a nice a feeling, it’s not hot at all.

So what is it that I want? Well I want the same things any person wants, the same things that makes any relationship work.

Firstly I want honesty from the business I’m dating. I don’t expect the relationship to be all rosy but when it’s not working please let me know why.

I want the space to express how I feel about the relationship. I want to be able to say what is working for me and what areas I believe we need to work on. I use the word we because a relationship is a partnership and I do want to be your partner.

I want to be respected. This means I want to be heard and I want to know that the business I’m dating is listening.

Don’t forget about me once we start dating. There is nothing worse than being the spare wheel and I believe it was said best in Dirty Dancing – “nobody puts Baby in a corner” – the same applies to me … I don’t do corners.

I’m a big fan of consistency and reliability. If you say you’re going to do something do and if you can’t let me know why.

Keep me informed. Dr Phil says that a good relationship is all about the communication and that Dr Phil knows what he’s talking about. Seriously, he was on Oprah.

I don’t want to feel like one of many so surprise me occasionally, show me that you know me by doing cool things for me (or with me) that are completely relevant to my life. Don’t make me a category. Don’t forget I like to believe I’m individual.

I want to date a business and I’m idealistic enough to believe that there are businesses out there who want to date me. Are you one of them?

In the last four months - in order of occurrence - I have:

1. Purchased (and am now raising) a parrot called Dick Dastardly. He’s very single minded and I am besotted. But, even I have to admit, if he’s not raised correctly he has terrorist potential. It’s in the eyes.
2. I got married. And amazingly I’m still in love. I am however finding the whole wife label very unnerving.
3. I honeymooned in the Transkei where it rained nearly every.single.day. It was beautiful.
4. I went skiing for two weeks. Every time I go skiing I come back with dreams of packing-it-all-in and following the snow around the world for a year. I can’t work out if it’s fear, ambition or proximity to my family that keeps me from doing it.
5. I started to, and am still, unpacking wedding gifts and writing meaningful thank you cards. It’s difficult to be meaningful when there’s a time limit. I have also discovered that my handwriting is terrible. At school it was OK, at university it was better and now its illegible.
   
6. My work was good four months ago. It was good in-between and it’s good now.
7. I have a love project. I thought last year was the year it would meet the world. It wasn’t. I think 2010 has the right feeling about it.
8. I haven’t baked at all in the last four month. No cheesecake. No chocolate cake. No crème brûlée. This needs to be addressed urgently.

There is more, but nothing I would label as significant and if it’s not significant it doesn’t make the update.

I’m ruthless like that.

Let’s talk about SPAM baby
Let’s talk about you and Zoopy
Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things a free Macbook can mean
Let’s talk about SPAM

Idiotic is:

Not learning from stupid and 3 weeks later running a 15km with no training.

Brain Dead is:

Coming Soon.